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Graceful. Patient. Steady.
Feb. 25th, 2026 03:42 pmRewiring and healing is hard, but its the path I am choosing every day. Old wounds get triggered and my body tightens up and I word vomit and label it as honesty. I eventually snap out of this weird trance I go into and realize what I'm doing.
I sometimes feel like the girl on the Exorcist when she projectile vomits and her head spins around.
I immediately acknowledge and take accountability. I apologize and then I start to repair and initiate connection.
The old me would spiral out for 3 days, be emotionally exhausted and distant and feel so shameful for my behavior. The thought of I should be a lot further along in this journey is frustrating but that is also something I am working on.
Growth is messy. Messy feels unsafe. I am not trying to eliminate my past, I'm trying to integrate it. Integration is gradual. I'm exactly where someone doing the work would be.
I learned to be hypervigilance at a very young age. It worked for me as a child. It's not working for me as an adult. It's a pattern I am finding hard but not impossible to change. Consistency is key. It's a muscle I will continue to work on and make strong.
Hypervigilance is not control, it's my anxiety trying to create certainty. So rewiring feels unstable, wrong in a way, unfamiliar. It will feel this way before it will feel steady.
I feel proud of the progress I have made. I can survive anything. I don't need to have my head on a swivel to scan for threats to protect myself. I need to be present to nourish. Protection is defensive. Presence is grounding, connective.
I have also realized that I don't become emotionally regulated by avoiding conflicts, ruptures, misunderstandings. You become it by practicing repair. Whether it's with a friend, a family member, a partner or with yourself. I am not broken.
The old me felt small, afraid to take up space, ask for what I need, shrink is the face of conflict, hide, deflect, dismiss.
The new me, the one I am still discovering and learning, tackles conflict and misunderstandings and reacting to triggers head on, although sometimes messy and not dealt with grace as times. It feels more authentic and true to who I am. I fall down and I get back up and I don't look back. I want to push forward, grow, be a better person today than I was yesterday.
I sometimes feel like the girl on the Exorcist when she projectile vomits and her head spins around.
I immediately acknowledge and take accountability. I apologize and then I start to repair and initiate connection.
The old me would spiral out for 3 days, be emotionally exhausted and distant and feel so shameful for my behavior. The thought of I should be a lot further along in this journey is frustrating but that is also something I am working on.
Growth is messy. Messy feels unsafe. I am not trying to eliminate my past, I'm trying to integrate it. Integration is gradual. I'm exactly where someone doing the work would be.
I learned to be hypervigilance at a very young age. It worked for me as a child. It's not working for me as an adult. It's a pattern I am finding hard but not impossible to change. Consistency is key. It's a muscle I will continue to work on and make strong.
Hypervigilance is not control, it's my anxiety trying to create certainty. So rewiring feels unstable, wrong in a way, unfamiliar. It will feel this way before it will feel steady.
I feel proud of the progress I have made. I can survive anything. I don't need to have my head on a swivel to scan for threats to protect myself. I need to be present to nourish. Protection is defensive. Presence is grounding, connective.
I have also realized that I don't become emotionally regulated by avoiding conflicts, ruptures, misunderstandings. You become it by practicing repair. Whether it's with a friend, a family member, a partner or with yourself. I am not broken.
The old me felt small, afraid to take up space, ask for what I need, shrink is the face of conflict, hide, deflect, dismiss.
The new me, the one I am still discovering and learning, tackles conflict and misunderstandings and reacting to triggers head on, although sometimes messy and not dealt with grace as times. It feels more authentic and true to who I am. I fall down and I get back up and I don't look back. I want to push forward, grow, be a better person today than I was yesterday.
