Dark Heroine

 I've been slacking on journaling. 

I had a minor hiccup with work yesterday and I proceeded to ruminate about my mistake. I could not stop it; it was eating away at me. I woke up at midnight, and it immediately assaulted me. 

I have been really good at dismissing the urge to ruminate about stupid things but this time it felt HARD. I cried about it this morning to Jim. He was reassuring and I have almost completely have gotten through the feeling.

I hate that my brain does this. I feel broken when this happens. I wish re-wiring my thought patterns were a bit easier.

Then, of course, I had to think about my Dad and how absent he has been since my Mom passed away in 2003. He quickly remarried within a few months, leading me to believe that he had known this woman a lot longer than he has led me to believe. But that's neither here nor there.

The last time I talked to him (years), I told him I loved him and he hesitated to say it back and when he did, it didn't feel genuine. 

I guess I can't really blame him, he's not my biological Dad and being affectionate and saying the "I love you's" wasn't a common thing in our household. I remember when I was in middle school and he told me he liked my older brother more than me. I can't even imagine telling one of my kids that I loved them more than the other. 

Any who, still reading away. I finished the Daughters' War which was a lot more somber than the first book. I also finished reading Gideon The Ninth, which really didn't resonate with me. The story was interesting, but the character build felt a little lacking for me. Instead of continuing that series, I switched over to The Way Of Shadows, book 1 of the Night Angel Trilogy. 

Any rec's on books, please send them my way!

Hope everyone's week has been going well.